Retroactive Continuity
by Murr-Quan Lord 2
Summary: The last scenes of The Amber Spyglass ... revised! Lyra has some questions that Xaphania can't answer, and the laser-guided penguins are everywhere. Can Will ever make out with her?


Retroactive Continuity

by Jared Spurbeck, Murr-Quan Lord #2

Author's Note. This story was started the day after I finished reading _The Amber Spyglass_, and was intended to be a gift for Philippa A. S. Murphy, aka Pip the Bat, for when I was meeting her in person. However, I soon realized that the subject matter involved made it a bit awkward for that, even with the humorous treatment it receives.

No dedication, then. Nope. Except for the penguins. You've got to love the penguins.

Based on the _His Dark Materials_ trilogy by Philip Pullman. Has he hugged a penguin today?

* * *

Somewhere, by a stream, on another planet, there was a man. An angel, really, although he looked like a man. Except that he was glowing, and he had wings, and he didn't have a shred of clothing on.

The author tried very hard to ignore this. It helped that he was nearly transparent.

He was leaning forward over a rock, reaching for a clump of grass where lay perched a shiny green beetle. This was a daemon, and it belonged to the hispanic man with the rifle nearby, who intended to kill off the main character.

This wasn't very nice of him. Balthamos, the angel, meant to stop him by crushing his daemon. But the author had other plans. He'd tied up Pullman, you see, and was now writing frantically so as to finish before the police arrived.

Thinking fast, he stuck out his pencil and tripped up the angel, who fell into the stream with a splash.

Father Gomez looked behind himself with a start. Seeing as how Balthamos was transparent, it looked to him sort of like when Data pushed one of the invisible scientists into the water in _Star Trek: Insurrection_.

"What was that?" he exclaimed, as the angel scrambled out of the stream.

"Buzz buzz," replied his daemon, who was much more insightful than he was.

"An angel?"

"Buzz."

"And a servant of the enemy?" He crossed himself with his free hand.

"Buzz buzz buzz!"

"We'd better hurry, then!" And so they ran on ahead, into the grove of silver trees past the stream.

* * *

Will and Lyra stood in a clearing at the center of the grove of trees, which was comfy, secluded, well-described by Pullman, and perfect for making out.

"Let's make out," said Lyra.

"Okay," said Will.

Then all of a sudden, the official Church-sponsored assassin ran in, wearing a crucifix and wielding a .22. "In the name of the Authority," he shouted, "I keel you!"

"That's 'kill'," said Will.

"Whatever." And Father Gomez took aim at Lyra, who was not in much of a position to do anything about it.

Will unsheathed the subtle knife and jumped out in front of her, just as the man fired. But the shot did not hit him. He felt the knife's sharp cutting edge as keenly as he felt the tip, and he knew just how to place it so that the bullet was cut neatly in two.

The halves of the bullet flew off in random directions, and Will brandished the subtle knife, staring the man down to his and Lyra's astonishment. And Will's. He hadn't known he could do that, didn't know if he could do it again, and was pretty sure that such things weren't allowed in humor skits.

If Father Gomez fired again, Will knew, both he and Lyra would probably die. But it didn't happen. Because at that moment, Balthamos was watching.

He'd gotten over the embarrassment of falling into the water. And, thinking of his male lover (which made the author squirm), he rushed into battle against the man's daemon.

A few minutes later the fight was over, the main characters were safe, and they all lived happily ever after.

Except Father Gomez. He was dead, after all.

So was Balthamos. He just sort of disintegrated once the battle was over. Because everyone knows that oblivion is a very desirable state of being, especially if you're an angel.

Will thought about killing himself too, but he decided against it. After all, they'd just gone past the Abyss in the land of the dead a few days ago, and doing it over again seemed like a lot to do for oblivion.

"So," he said, and looked down at the dead body in the middle of the clearing.

"So," Lyra said, and fidgeted.

"Can we make out now?" he asked.

"No."

Girls were so hard to understand, Will thought.

* * *

That evening the _mulefa_ served boiled spinach with thinly-sliced water chestnuts. Mary Malone did the slicing, and after dinner she told the sort-of-children about her romantic escapades.

"So he gave me a flower," she said, of one of her dates. "And that's how I discovered that Christianity is not true."

"Is that because a Church-sponsored assassin broke into the garden and pointed a gun at you?" Lyra asked.

"No. Why?"

"Just curious." Leaning forward, she folded her arms around her knees and rested her chin on them, deep in thought.

"So I told him about this amazing discovery I'd made," Mary continued, "and then we made out. Because if Christianity wasn't true, that didn't say much for its standards."

"Why en't you married?" Lyra asked.

"Two days later we decided we couldn't stand each other, and now we randomly exchange hate mail. Why do you ask?"

They talked for another half-hour or so, before Mary decided it was time for bed. But before she went to bed, and while the children weren't looking, she looked at them both through the amber spyglass. The two of them were glowing a bright gold, with eddies and currents of Dust swirling around them, but the great flow of Dust in the sky had not stopped.

* * *

Both Will and Lyra couldn't get to sleep, so they decided to go to the beach later that night.

The water lapped at the sand, and glowed silvery in the moonlight. All in all the place was serene, secluded, and perfect for making out.

"Let's make out," said Will.

"No," said Lyra.

"Why not?"

But before she could answer, an angel appeared. And they knew she was an angel because she was tall, winged, majestic, and hadn't a shred of clothing on.

The author tried very hard to ignore this. It helped that she was glowing so brightly that she was difficult to look at.

"Hello," she said.

"Hi," said Will.

"I'm an angel."

"We know." Lyra tossed a seashell into the water.

"My name is Xaphania."

"Mine's Will," said Will. "And this is Lyra."

"I know."

"So what'd you come here for?" Lyra asked.

"Well," the angel said, "I just wanted to congratulate the two of you for having beaten the Authority."

Lyra was startled. "We en't done any such thing," she told the angel. "Not yet, anyway."

"Yes, you have."

"No, we en't."

"Yes, you have."

"No, we en't."

"Yes, you have."

"Okay," she lied.

The angel appeared to be flustered, and took a moment to compose herself before speaking. "Anyway," she went on, "I just wanted to thank you both."

"We know," Will said.

"Now that the old, senile angel who thinks he's God is out of the way," Xaphania went on, "we can get on with our task of saving the worlds from the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Doesn't sound very noble when you put it that way," Lyra noted. She sat down on a dry part of the beach, and made herself comfortable there.

"The Clouded Mountain, then." The angel rolled her eyes, but you would've had to squint through the brightness in order to see that.

"So my father en't won yet?" Lyra asked.

"Not ... quite," the angel told her, and decided not to mention that Lord Asriel was dead.

Will sat down and idly examined seashells, pretending to play in the sand. If he made himself inconspicuous, he hoped, then perhaps the angel would finish talking to Lyra and leave. So they could make out, of course.

"But what about Iorek?" Lyra asked.

"Who?"

"An armored bear. Oh, you couldn't have missed him, could you?" She sounded impatient, but Will could tell she was really distraught.

"I don't know what became of him," Xaphania admitted. "There were thousands of soldiers in dozens of forces from all over the worlds in that battle. I would have been hard-pressed to keep track of any one of them."

Lyra folded her arms. "Don't tell me you missed a whole company of _panserbjorne_."

"Sorry, yes. I was too busy trying to keep track of the laser-guided attack penguins."

Will tried for a moment to imagine what those looked like, then shook his head and decided against it.

"Well, what about _them_, then? What about the soldiers?" Lyra persisted. "Who won the battle?"

"Um."

"I'm waiting ... "

"No one," Xaphania admitted.

"You mean they fought each other to a stalemate?"

"No, I left before it was over."

Lyra blinked. "A huge battle for the fate of the worlds, and you just walked out on it?"

"I wanted to come see the two of you instead."

Will spoke up without looking at her. "You've got a bit of an issue with priorities, I see."

"No, I haven't." Xaphania shook her head. "What you two did was vastly more important."

"What, beating the Authority?" Lyra snickered. "Next thing you're going to tell me he was that old angel Will and I rescued."

"He was. But that's not it. It was in making out that the two of you saved the worlds, stopped the flow of Dust into the Abyss and brought sunshine and butterflies to all the little _mulefa_."

"But we en't made out yet," Lyra told her.

"Oh. Well, I suppose that'd explain why the flow of Dust hasn't stopped yet."

Will looked up, and squinted at her. He was bewildered.

"I'd hoped it was on account of you hadn't finished yet," Xaphania admitted.

"Oh, lovely!" Lyra threw up her arms and looked away from her. "So now instead of a Church-sponsored assassin it would've been an angel barging in on us. Well, that makes it alright then." She sounded disgusted. "And what would it've been next time, the attack penguins?"

A couple of emperor penguins wearing Borg eyepieces, complete with visible red beams, flopped out of the water and onto the beach at that point, and waddled up to where they were. Will tried very hard not to let them notice him.

"Heh-wo," one said, and waved at him.

Lyra seemed not to notice, and instead went about taking Xaphania to task for her attempted invasion of privacy. She did not understand the concept of a pilgrimage, or how it applied to her, and she would've been embarrassed if she did.

Xaphania, for her part, did not seem to understand the concept of privacy. The emperor penguins looked up at her and squinted, and held up their flippers so as to block most of her out.

"Look," she said, ignoring the penguins. "It is absolutely crucial that the two of you make out."

"But what if we don't ever get married?" Lyra persisted. "What if we decide we hate each other a few days later, like Mary and whoever-he-was?"

"Well ... " Xaphania's wings fluttered. "I don't think that's really an issue."

"Why not?"

Will tried to understand what they were saying. He was still stuck on the part where they make out, with sunshine and butterflies for all the little _mulefa_, and didn't quite know what the rest of this had to do with him.

That, and he was trying to keep track of the penguins. They were helping their baby penguin chicks out of the water now, cute little puffs of gray-white fluffiness.

With Borg eyepieces.

"Peep!" one of them said.

Xaphania answered Lyra's question. "Well ... because after you're done, we're going to have to close up all the portals made by the subtle knife, and not allow any more to ever be made again."

"What?" Will stood up. "Why?"

"Peep?" One of the penguin chicks waddled over to him, and gave him a questioning look.

Xaphania explained, about how Dust was seeping out of the world through the holes that the subtle knife made. She also explained about the Specters.

"Oh." Will sat back down, feeling dizzy.

"But we can't make out," Lyra persisted.

"What?" Will stood up. "Why?"

"Well, first off, because we keep getting interrupted." Lyra sounded cross. She was cross, too.

"Hee hee." The penguins smiled, and their eyes turned into 's.

"And secondly," Lyra continued, "because I know something bad's going to happen if we do."

"How so?" Now Xaphania sounded confused.

"Well ... " Lyra fidgeted. "I don't, really."

Will's eyes were riveted on her. He absolutely had to hear what she said next, so he could try to talk her out of it. And while he was thusly engaged, one of the emperor penguins picked up her baby chick and set him on top of Will's head.

"But that witch killed Will's father," Lyra went on, "and he loved her. I don't know how she could kill someone she loved. But she did, and it made perfect sense to her. And I want to know what made her do that, before I get involved with him."

She turned, and gave Will the saddest look he'd ever seen on her face. "I don't want to hurt you."

As one, the penguins sighed. "Aww ... "

Lyra blinked, and looked a few inches upwards. "Will, did you know you have a penguin on your head?"

* * *

Will and Lyra sat on the beach, their bare toes splashing in the water. The penguins were making sandcastles not ten feet away, but neither of them seemed to mind.

"So," Will said.

"So," Lyra said.

"Can we m-"

"Don't say it." Lyra cut him off, and made it sound like an idle comment.

Will turned his head to look at her. "Dust is still draining from the universe, you know."

"How do you know we can stop it?"

"How do you know we can't?"

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life having made out with your best friend, and knowing you can never see him again?" Lyra kicked her foot into the water, and it splashed them.

They stared out at the ocean for a minute or two.

"I can make more windows with the subtle knife," Will said. "As long as we haven't made out yet, we'll still be able to visit each other."

"Good." She nodded. "I'd like that."

Off to the side, the penguins went on happily building their sand castle. It had four turrets now, each with a crenellated roof. Will watched them playing for a moment, before turning back to face Lyra.

"Want to build a sand castle?" he asked.

She smiled. "You know it."

Many thanks to the Tails x Cream club on Deviantart, for unknowingingly providing the ending.


End file.
